I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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