had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
