you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
