I accidentally had phone sex last night
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
