she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
