you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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