Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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