so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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