I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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