he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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