allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
