time to smoke my breakfast
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
