Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
