i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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