If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
