Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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