I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it hurts more in the daytime
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
