Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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