I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
