just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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