My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
