Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
