Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
