woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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