He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
