i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Watching her eat just hurts me
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
