Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
