dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
two words: eviction party
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize