you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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