I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
