Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just cropdusted the office
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
