Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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