I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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