she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
