My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
