Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
