he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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