Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
