Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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