you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he thought i was a dude.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
