Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
