it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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