you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
