my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
