I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize