Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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