at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
