Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
