Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
