When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
