i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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