so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
