I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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