After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize