I need to stop coming to work sober
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
