Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
