I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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