and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
